I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and forgot to post it... it is kind of scattered and not put together well, but it seems like I either don't want to put enough thought into a more put together one or I'm just really busy. So I figure this is good enough for now.
Nearly every day that goes by I wonder what kind of update I am supposed to give to let people know how I am doing or what I am up to. Clearly you can probably see that I don’t really know what to say. I haven’t known for a couple of months now. All I know is that I have been back in the States from Germany for over three months now. I crave to be back like nothing I’ve ever craved before. God has let me in on something since I’ve been back… I am so not patient.
In some ways I feel like I have lost myself. Or perhaps God is breaking me in new ways so that he can help me put the pieces of myself back together in a different way, a better way, than I was before. Already I am completely different than I was a year ago. I’m changed in so many good ways because of Germany. Because I saw myself become passionate in ways I had never seen myself be before. Because God taught me so much. He is still teaching me stuff, but it’s harder now because I’m so busy, I realize I’m running away from some of the things he’s trying to teach me, and other things he is trying to teach me I am not patient enough about.
Since I’ve been back I’ve felt emotionless about quite a lot of things. I ponder a lot about what I am doing in my life for the next year and I just seem to come up with less answers and more confusion. I know I’m not patient enough, I come to conclusions too fast, and I don’t give time for God to prove that he has everything taken care of. I just need to chill out and wait. And pray. And know that God will reveal to me what I need to know. So I’m taking some time currently to try and refocus my life, refocus it on God. To know that if I’m supposed to move, God will show me that. To know that God is going to take care of my mom, even though I haven’t been patient enough to give him time to work on it. To know the relationships I have, that if they are important enough, God will help keep them strong.
So that’s me in a nutshell lately. A mess some days, craving other days, trusting a few days, but always trying to figure out what God has up next for me. Ooh he is always so amazing, even when my faith seems so small.
