I'm not good at this

I'm not good at updating this thing as I should.
I got back from a life changing trip to Ghana, Africa 6 days ago. I'm not very good at going through the 600 pictures that were taken, narrowing them down, and then posting them up on facebook (which people keep asking me to do, don't worry, they'll be up within a few days). I'm not good at the whole processing thing sometimes. Perhaps it's that I wish I was still there and not here, even though I know that where I am right now is exactly where I need to be, so I just avoid thinking about it.
Either way, a lot has gone on the past month and I might eventually get around to writing about it, because it is all exciting and fun for me to see how God is working in my life. But for now, goodbye 2010, because I know I won't be updating before 2011 rolls around.

Just had an epiphany

The number of times I give good, solid advice to a friend and they just straight up ignore it is ridiculous. Sometimes it’s not even my advice, but maybe even biblical advice that I’ve recently read in the bible. A really simple example could be when a friend asks how she looks, and I honestly and wholeheartedly think her hair is really cute, (even wishing my hair could look like that!) I then tell her that. Well for whatever reason, that person (nearly always) will reject my advice/encouragement. That friend may say, well I hate it, so I’m going to wash it. Even after they just spent an hour fixing their hair and after I tell them it really looks stunning, they decide it’s crap. Ouch. The amount of times my friends have done this to me hurts and honestly leaves me feeling like nobody ever listens to my opinion. Like why do I even bother anymore? They clearly don’t respect my opinion at all or me.

And then I stopped. It’s the same way with God. God constantly tells us, His children, that He loves us. He cares for us. He thinks we are pretty enough. He says it’s ok if we can’t play every instrument in the world, or the sport we wish we could be a pro at. He made us to be the way He wants us to be. He LOVES us, we are dear to Him. He created us, we are his artwork. And what do we do? Well I know countless times, especially as I look back at my lifelong struggle with self-esteem issues that I finally realized I needed to close the door on this summer, that I’ve done the same thing to God that these friends do to me. I tell God that His creation, His artwork is not good enough. In fact, I tell God that His artwork is straight up hideous. I tell God that His artwork is worthless. I tell God that because I’m not good at these things I want to be good at that I have no value… that His creation has no value. When I have a question and the answer I’ve been searching for is clear in a verse in the Bible, I tell God that I can find a better way to solve my problem than that. I tell the God of the whole entire universe that He’s just not that good at what He does. Ouch. How dare I? That doesn’t just go for me ever standing in front of a mirror and saying God could have done better, but also when I say anything bad about another person. I’m insulting that person, and thus God, because God created them.

So it’s just ridiculous (and hypocritical) of me to be offended and hurt that my friends don’t listen to me, when I don’t even listen to the only one who only ever gives perfect, true, and holy advice. That’s just kind of a ‘wow’ when I think about it.

My God turns my darkness into Light

I’ve been meaning (for months) to write again. Especially as I remember back on how I left my last entry, it’s been time for an update for a while. I’m back at school. I still have the same major. Not too much is different. But then again, everything is different. There were thirteen things that I mentioned I craved or yearned for, things that were missing from my life that left me, honestly, feeling utterly hopeless. As I go back and look at that list, I notice that only two of those thirteen things haven’t happened yet… which the whole not taking classes thing, that, I figured out this summer, is what God wants me doing for now. Five of those thirteen things God is well on his way helping me conquer in my life. Then 6 of those thirteen things, I am so beyond thankful that God answered my prayers about. So in June I went back to Dresden for almost 2 weeks and then spent 6 weeks at Pine Cove. Just 2 weeks before school started the tough decision was finally made to return back to school in the fall. Only 2 weeks. Hello lesson on trusting God!

So, this semester, to my surprise (although why I am surprised that God showed up as Himself?), is going better than I ever could have imagined. I’m only taking 12 hours (LOVE IT.), I chill on my bench under the sun just hanging out with God, I’ve met some awesome people, I’m not stressed out to the point that I’m about to die, and God has given me some amazing opportunities so far. I didn’t get that internship that I really really (times… 3580248593475) wanted, but hey, I am going to Ghana in December. So… I would say that I’m ok with being here, hah. God continues to encourage me and teach me so much. I’m just taking it day by day, following after my savior and best friend.
And that’s it for tonight.

Big Thoughts.

I’m not really sure where or how to start with this. I guess I could say that my world, my life, has been insanely crazy since returning from Germany in June of last year. Which by the way, I returned 10 months ago… it feels so distant now, yet drastically changed my life, and takes up a huge space in my heart, that still not a day goes by without me thinking about Dresden. My heart literally aches for the lost in Germany, some days even leading me to tears because I feel like my return to Germany for more than just a couple of weeks is so far away.

I feel like this is going to be long, considered yourself warned, and you may stop reading. But you may miss out on some interesting stuff that may be changing in my life the next 4 months if you stop. So pick and choose. Whatever.

Since being back at school in the fall, there has not been one single day to pass by where I actually enjoyed being in school for the classes part of it. In fact, especially this semester, I’m not sure a day has passed by where I didn’t think about dropping out of school. My heart is not in it anymore, not that my heart has ever in my life been in school, but this school year I came back a different person. Maybe even a different person to the point where I’m not supposed to be in school anymore.

I crave to not be taking classes. I crave and ache for more time with Jesus. I crave to do something that makes a REAL impact. I crave to meet people that are passionate about their faith and even though we’re not perfect by any means, actually try and live it. Not people that are trying to be the kind of Christian that fits into our culture, but the people that are trying to be the kind of Christian the original disciples tried to be. I crave to be around more followers of Jesus Christ. I want to be able to get rid of my possessions; I want to help the poor. I want to help the hopeless. I want to sing praises to my savior 24/7. I yearn to put an end to my selfishness. I yearn to no longer struggle with gossip. I yearn to not be so attached to my material possessions. I yearn to be ok with being single and not be constantly wondering when THE guy will show up. I yearn to trust God 100%.

Tonight I realized that lately every time I leave a group of believers, whether it is Sunday mornings or Tuesday nights at the Wesley or hanging out with a couple of good friends, I feel like I could be doing so much more for God. I feel burdened by the amount of loans I’m taking out to earn a General Liberal Arts degree that will teach me things about history that I could learn from about $100 in books, things about German that I could just learn from living there or in a less expensive atmosphere, and marketing, which today I’m studying and at a loss for why I am even taking marketing classes. I don’t care about “the American Dream.” I don’t care about a 9-5 job and a white picket fence. I don’t care about being wealthy. The kind of job I want and the kind of life I want to lead I’m not even sure needs a college degree. Here I am thousands of dollars in debt, that I could have used buying food for those without it.

I’ve applied for an internship at TOMS for the fall, and honestly if I don’t get it I’m not too sure what I’ll be doing in the fall. I’m also uncertain about my summer plans to go to Germany. The plans just don’t seem to be working out smoothly. That could either be because the enemy is trying to stop me from going, or because God has something else planned for me. Either way, if I don’t get to return to Dresden this summer my heart will be slightly heart broken. In addition, if God ends up having me not return to Dresden in June, and not return to school in August, he hasn’t opened up any other doors yet for what I could be doing instead. I know I’m not supposed to worry about my future, but as the new school year will be underway 4 months from now, I am curious and I do wonder.

I may sound crazy (or a bit scatterbrained). You may not understand anything you just read or be able to relate at all. But I don’t care to follow the route the rest of society tells me I need to follow. I’m trying to follow someone else’s route, and I’m just trying to figure out exactly what that his will for me is.

If you have any thoughts please feel free to leave them

Where the Love Lasts Forever

I Still haven't read that last post I made at 4 one morning. I should probably reread it at some point and make sure I didn't say anything absurd. For now though I'm gonna post the lyrics of a song. Because they are incredible. For real.

Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,
And lifted me beyond my failing,
Into Your glory,
My sin and shame dissolved,
And now forever Yours I'll stand

In love never to end,
To call You more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

So I throw my life upon all that You are,
'Cause I know you gave it all for me.
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever.

Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,
And lifted me beyond my failing,
Into Your glory,
My sin and shame dissolved,
And now forever Yours I'll stand

And forever I will sing,
Lord forever I will sing,
Of how You gave Your life away,
Just to save me, Lord You saved me.

Lord, where the love lasts forever.
I will be with You, where the love lasts forever.
I will sing to you, where the love lasts forever.
I will dance with you, where the love lasts forever.

Where did the past 4 months go?

It’s been almost four months since I’ve written. That’s really hard for me to believe, where did the time go? This school year has just been so hectic with so many exciting, tough, and also perplexing things that have continued to happen. Ok, so maybe I overplayed the exciting part, not to say there hasn’t been anything exciting, but most of it has been tough, full of hurt, full of confusion, full of crying (literally) out to God hoping that he’ll continue to be my rock and get me through it all.

I haven’t written in so long that I really could probably write five straight pages about what mistakes I have noticed myself making. But how God has been teaching me through it, and how even though I fully believe Satan has been trying harder than ever to get me down, I have managed to fully know that God will get me through this all because he has a greater plan for me, that begins with reaching down and pulling me out of the deep hole I’ve been in for almost two straight months. So as I try and think about what to even share, as I’ve already written two paragraphs, oops, here are some lyrics I heard tonight that just really connect to my heart.

Give love to the ones who can't love at all
Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
Stand up for the ones who can't stand at all

Hmm… well, like I said I have been dealing with quite a lot the past few months. I realized a couple of weeks ago that since just a short time after coming back to the States I feel like I have been having thing after thing go awry in my life. It dawned on me that coming back from Germany I made a pretty huge commitment to God and a pretty big declaration to those around me about what I now plan to do for the rest of my life. And well, of course Satan is really unhappy about all of that, so I came to realize that all these things that have just been going wrong the past several months are just him trying to get me down. The term spiritual warfare may ring a bell. I know he has been trying to get me to give up. He has brought issues back into my life that I haven’t dealt with since high school, that were a huge part of my daily struggles, but that God delivered me from senior year. However he has yet to realize I am a different person than I was in high school, and while I may struggle with many things, and I may still have really bad weeks, I’m a fighter, I won’t be giving up, and I am confident God is never gonna give up on me. I know that even though sometimes I may be blind to God moving in my life, I am confident that he really is. I am certain as these attacks keep coming at me, God is standing right beside me. Take that Satan. Haha

Anyways, so since I’ve been back at school this year, one of the bigger things I have been struggling with is just not feeling like I have a purpose here at State. After lots of prayer, it seems that an opportunity may be coming up the first Sunday in March for me to do something pretty exciting. Also, I just got an email about an hour ago about a possibility for this summer. Like wow, as I was reading it it’s like I could feel the breeze of the door opening. So I’ve just got to pray about these situations and hope that I can somehow find some wisdom in dealing with them.

Ughh, sorry for the long post. But I mean come on, it’s been four months! Oh and because I never really got to those lyrics, I’ll probably write about them the next time :)