I’m not really sure where or how to start with this. I guess I could say that my world, my life, has been insanely crazy since returning from Germany in June of last year. Which by the way, I returned 10 months ago… it feels so distant now, yet drastically changed my life, and takes up a huge space in my heart, that still not a day goes by without me thinking about Dresden. My heart literally aches for the lost in Germany, some days even leading me to tears because I feel like my return to Germany for more than just a couple of weeks is so far away.
I feel like this is going to be long, considered yourself warned, and you may stop reading. But you may miss out on some interesting stuff that may be changing in my life the next 4 months if you stop. So pick and choose. Whatever.
Since being back at school in the fall, there has not been one single day to pass by where I actually enjoyed being in school for the classes part of it. In fact, especially this semester, I’m not sure a day has passed by where I didn’t think about dropping out of school. My heart is not in it anymore, not that my heart has ever in my life been in school, but this school year I came back a different person. Maybe even a different person to the point where I’m not supposed to be in school anymore.
I crave to not be taking classes. I crave and ache for more time with Jesus. I crave to do something that makes a REAL impact. I crave to meet people that are passionate about their faith and even though we’re not perfect by any means, actually try and live it. Not people that are trying to be the kind of Christian that fits into our culture, but the people that are trying to be the kind of Christian the original disciples tried to be. I crave to be around more followers of Jesus Christ. I want to be able to get rid of my possessions; I want to help the poor. I want to help the hopeless. I want to sing praises to my savior 24/7. I yearn to put an end to my selfishness. I yearn to no longer struggle with gossip. I yearn to not be so attached to my material possessions. I yearn to be ok with being single and not be constantly wondering when THE guy will show up. I yearn to trust God 100%.
Tonight I realized that lately every time I leave a group of believers, whether it is Sunday mornings or Tuesday nights at the Wesley or hanging out with a couple of good friends, I feel like I could be doing so much more for God. I feel burdened by the amount of loans I’m taking out to earn a General Liberal Arts degree that will teach me things about history that I could learn from about $100 in books, things about German that I could just learn from living there or in a less expensive atmosphere, and marketing, which today I’m studying and at a loss for why I am even taking marketing classes. I don’t care about “the American Dream.” I don’t care about a 9-5 job and a white picket fence. I don’t care about being wealthy. The kind of job I want and the kind of life I want to lead I’m not even sure needs a college degree. Here I am thousands of dollars in debt, that I could have used buying food for those without it.
I’ve applied for an internship at TOMS for the fall, and honestly if I don’t get it I’m not too sure what I’ll be doing in the fall. I’m also uncertain about my summer plans to go to Germany. The plans just don’t seem to be working out smoothly. That could either be because the enemy is trying to stop me from going, or because God has something else planned for me. Either way, if I don’t get to return to Dresden this summer my heart will be slightly heart broken. In addition, if God ends up having me not return to Dresden in June, and not return to school in August, he hasn’t opened up any other doors yet for what I could be doing instead. I know I’m not supposed to worry about my future, but as the new school year will be underway 4 months from now, I am curious and I do wonder.
I may sound crazy (or a bit scatterbrained). You may not understand anything you just read or be able to relate at all. But I don’t care to follow the route the rest of society tells me I need to follow. I’m trying to follow someone else’s route, and I’m just trying to figure out exactly what that his will for me is.
If you have any thoughts please feel free to leave them
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